THE ABRIDGED VERSION OF THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF JAJA BEBE, PART I: HIS CHILDHOOD (1901-1919)
If some divine power influenced my creation, it was surely by accident. I was born without anyone asking me if I want to be born, during a plane ride* on May 18, 1901, into a middle-class family in San Francisco. My father, Harlem Bebe (1834-1934) was a severe drug addict and alchoholic, thus proving to be an excellent role model. My mother, Johnny Bebe (1884-1984) was a concert didgeridoo player at Losers' hall, and she spent so much time practicing that I didn't get to see her very much. When I saw her, she would usually hand me a vial of arsenic and tell me to go use it on someone. From her, I got the idea that rules did not matter very much. Nevertheless, until about 1915, most people called me "innocent" meaning that I did a lot of bad stuff, but somehow managed to frame on any one of my 23 siblings.
In 1906, the San Francisco Earthquake Struck, and my family had to get a new house, even though our old house was not touched, and none of the family was touched, except me, who died. This was the second time I died. (I died when I was three, but that's a long story. But let me summarize it. I was coming home from work one day. I took off my tie, my knickers, brushed my hair, combed my teeth, and then went to my bed. My bed was, at the time, in the oven, but my cousin Hank Bebe, who was staying over at my house, didn't know that, and he baked a nice cheese souffle. I never forgave him.) We decided to move to New York City, but we only got to live in the outskirts. In the following years, I died twice, in 1908 and 1910, of hunger, and getting eaten by a carnivorous igloo. In 1912 my family boarded the Titanic, and it sunk. The rest of the family escaped, except me, who died. This was the fifth time I died. After that, it sort of fell into a pattern of me dying every two years. In 1914, I became a Yankees fan. I died when the Red Sox won the World Series in 1914, 1916, and 1918, but when they won in 1915, I was only paralyzed below the feet. I died again when the Red Sox won in 2004.
Despite my parents' extremely high-paying jobs, we were still very poor, so I decided to get a job at the feautures. Of course, this was in the mid-to-late-1910's, so the few movies that were made were, as a rule, not very good by modern standards. I only got to be in two movies, called "Trashtalking Around Town" and "Trashing the Town", and I played the comedy relief in both movies. Everyone liked me in the movies ("it's amazing; whatever he does, he does so silly, even if he doesn't mean to"), and I got relatively high-payed. During this time period, I began to change. Before, I tried to frame other people for my actions, as you can remember. But now, I didn't try to frame any more people, and instead moved to a new tactic, which was to avoid getting caught. This usually involved hiding in the middle of a big forest for several months until the police forgot about the whole thing. I usually still got caught.
However, when I turned eighteen, things changed. I could be fully charged with criminal charges now, so I had to be extra cafeful not to be caught. I have calculated that I could have been charged with up to nine thousand years in prison for all the crimes I committed before 1920. I still usually got caught, so I had to usually bribe the policemen to let me go free. One policeman however, refused to be bribed, and I was arrested. Fortunately, the police didn't take me seriously, and they put me in a minimum-security prison. In a few days, my brother Larry came by and knocked down the cell walls with his fists, and I was free.
*Yes, I know that airplanes weren’t invented until 1903. You see, a plane also means a flat surface. So a plane ride is where you lie down on a plane and somehow move along the plane as if there was no friction. The streets of San Francisco are flat enough to do this.
If some divine power influenced my creation, it was surely by accident. I was born without anyone asking me if I want to be born, during a plane ride* on May 18, 1901, into a middle-class family in San Francisco. My father, Harlem Bebe (1834-1934) was a severe drug addict and alchoholic, thus proving to be an excellent role model. My mother, Johnny Bebe (1884-1984) was a concert didgeridoo player at Losers' hall, and she spent so much time practicing that I didn't get to see her very much. When I saw her, she would usually hand me a vial of arsenic and tell me to go use it on someone. From her, I got the idea that rules did not matter very much. Nevertheless, until about 1915, most people called me "innocent" meaning that I did a lot of bad stuff, but somehow managed to frame on any one of my 23 siblings.
In 1906, the San Francisco Earthquake Struck, and my family had to get a new house, even though our old house was not touched, and none of the family was touched, except me, who died. This was the second time I died. (I died when I was three, but that's a long story. But let me summarize it. I was coming home from work one day. I took off my tie, my knickers, brushed my hair, combed my teeth, and then went to my bed. My bed was, at the time, in the oven, but my cousin Hank Bebe, who was staying over at my house, didn't know that, and he baked a nice cheese souffle. I never forgave him.) We decided to move to New York City, but we only got to live in the outskirts. In the following years, I died twice, in 1908 and 1910, of hunger, and getting eaten by a carnivorous igloo. In 1912 my family boarded the Titanic, and it sunk. The rest of the family escaped, except me, who died. This was the fifth time I died. After that, it sort of fell into a pattern of me dying every two years. In 1914, I became a Yankees fan. I died when the Red Sox won the World Series in 1914, 1916, and 1918, but when they won in 1915, I was only paralyzed below the feet. I died again when the Red Sox won in 2004.
Despite my parents' extremely high-paying jobs, we were still very poor, so I decided to get a job at the feautures. Of course, this was in the mid-to-late-1910's, so the few movies that were made were, as a rule, not very good by modern standards. I only got to be in two movies, called "Trashtalking Around Town" and "Trashing the Town", and I played the comedy relief in both movies. Everyone liked me in the movies ("it's amazing; whatever he does, he does so silly, even if he doesn't mean to"), and I got relatively high-payed. During this time period, I began to change. Before, I tried to frame other people for my actions, as you can remember. But now, I didn't try to frame any more people, and instead moved to a new tactic, which was to avoid getting caught. This usually involved hiding in the middle of a big forest for several months until the police forgot about the whole thing. I usually still got caught.
However, when I turned eighteen, things changed. I could be fully charged with criminal charges now, so I had to be extra cafeful not to be caught. I have calculated that I could have been charged with up to nine thousand years in prison for all the crimes I committed before 1920. I still usually got caught, so I had to usually bribe the policemen to let me go free. One policeman however, refused to be bribed, and I was arrested. Fortunately, the police didn't take me seriously, and they put me in a minimum-security prison. In a few days, my brother Larry came by and knocked down the cell walls with his fists, and I was free.
*Yes, I know that airplanes weren’t invented until 1903. You see, a plane also means a flat surface. So a plane ride is where you lie down on a plane and somehow move along the plane as if there was no friction. The streets of San Francisco are flat enough to do this.
posted by Jaja at 9:54 AM
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