Sadness:

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THE ABRIDGED VERSION OF THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF JAJA BEBE, PART V: OUT ON THE STREETS (1960-1969)

(In progress)

I was at first ecstatic when I left the Smugglish Team. After all, a new life, a new home... But soon I was presented the reality by a middle-aged man wearing a red top-hat: I was out on the streets, unemployed, unimplored. In fact, for the next few years, I remained out on the streets. Eventually, I built a small house. It was on the top of a small hill, and it consisted of three pillows to sleep on, a stick for a roof, and a jack-in-the-box and comic books for entertainment. By house was built right next to a small store called "Come and Buy It If You Dare", but the storeowner, named Bïghïzhřlï, did not mind. You see, "Come and Buy It If You Dare" sold things that everybody might need, but the chances of needing it were so low that no one ever bothered to buy anything there. But when I staked my home next to the store, people started flocking to "Come and Buy It If You Dare" out of curiosity about me. When Bïghïzhřlï realized I was attracting customers, he paid me $2.40 a week to yodel a lot and do polka dancing. I accepted the offer. Of this payment, I spent $1.35 a week on food, 98¢ on wild Saturday night parties (2 2-liter bottles of soda for 49¢ apiece), and 7¢ on college prep exams. I was overjoyed. Bïghïzhřlï was overjoyed, because he got dozens of customers every day, even though none of them ever bought anything. One time, Bïghïzhřlï said that he would pay me $3.60 a week to also hold up a sign saying, "Come and get everything you might possibly need, but probably won't", but I declined on this offer. "I'haint doo'n no k'merrhshal beez'iness", I said.

Despite Bïghïzhřlï's generous payments of $2.40 a week, I still needed more money. I needed more money to start my own society called BODY, which is an acronym for B'ware O' Dem Yaks. Unfortunately, the only way I could see to earn money was with BODY. So I decided to start of small, and with a lime green stripe in the middle. I began writing artcles in the newspaper about how the human influence of society in the world might lead to other species forming their own governments, and what type of governments they would form. I entitled all of them "How the human influence of society in the world might lead to other species forming their own governments, and what type of governments they would form". Although I pretended that these articles focused on all species, they really focused on the yaks, and how they would all become communists. Though the articles had some almost convincing aspects, such as the connection of the horns to the skull influencing the front abdominal lobe of the brain, they were altogether basically a load of hogwash. Therefore, the only paper that would accept my articles was the Cleveland Clopper, a two-page newspaper which sold for five cents. However, it was a start. Unfortuanetly, it wasn't an end, a background, or a foreground. I wrote weekly from March 7, 1962 to April 15, 1969, for $1.60 a week. Now I was paid $4 a week. I was ecstatic.

The Inside Scoop on the Drug Smugglers #7: What's Been Going on

Things have been going on well with the police since the implementing of our new methods (see the Inside Scoop on the Drug Smugglers #6). The only bad thing that happened is that Jaja Bebe died a week ago. Jaja Bebe recently said, "I'm disgruntled. This is the first time I've died on two consecutive years." We have only been discovered by 17 policemen this month, and we hope that only 6 more will find us by the end of the month. But soon our current methods for throwing the police off our trail might be obsolete - A new alliance has been formed. It consists of Interpol, the International Paint Co., and the World Health Organization. Its name is Defghijkaborrh. The new alliance is expected to be very, very, very powerful. But we (the drug smugglers) still hope to escape justice. We even have a new mission: To egg the mayor's house. We are not sure what our plan will be, but we are working on it.

Excerpt from Wak the Yak's book about the history of the T.W.O.W: of Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ and what they did to somehow get a part in this book which is so much above them (Yakkish dialect edited out)

The history of the lives of MCAS leaders Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ is much shrouded in mystery, and a bit of raspberry mushcake as well. This is probably because Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ have been determined to keep it shrouded ever since they became leaders of the MCAS sixteen years ago. They say that "to divulge too much information about that of their life and that of the history of their life would compromise their secrecy and thus their ability of function properly as a group. However, I have been able to find out a good deal about Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ still. If a Cap't'list were doing this, instead of me, he wouldn't nearly do as good a job as I did. This is because Cap't'lists are weak and Communists rock the world until there's nothing left of it. (Long rant and rave about Communism after this.)

Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ were born in Regina, the capital of Saskatchewan, an unknown number of years ago, at almost exactly the same. They might be twins or clones, and it might have just been a coincidence that they were born at almost the same time. They refuse to tell the answer and deny any theory made about it. They were born next to a gorge twenty feet deep and three feet wide. As soon as Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ were born, they were dumped into the gorge. They were found three days later by a group of thiry-one eight-foot-tall fanatics, and were immediately taken to their home, which was in the middle of a small tree.

Needless to say, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ led a very strange life after that. They were raised to become fanatics, because they were worried that if they didn't become fanatics, they wouldn't fit in. They were fed on a diet of butter, sour eggs, raw fish, and junk mail. Whenever they asked a question, they were either used as a topic of great controversy, or were immediately disembowled and sent to mop the kitchens for six days. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ were largely brought up as a carving knife. They were brought about in this way for at least forty years, before Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ paid the fanatics their weight in the tree in which they lived in in order to get out. After all, their old life was much too boring and they must find a more interesting one.

Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ, after about twenty years of livin' off the fat of the land and making their money off of selling 15-cent candy bars, went into the big businesses. Like, you know, the mass organizations that have zillions of dollars and are too powerful for their own good? We the Communists have eliminated all those groups by giving the government all the power, whereas the Cap't'lists still have mass organiations. (Another rant and rave about Communism.) Over the years, their power grew, until finally in 1989, they took control of the MCAS, which stands for Montreal Cohilition to Annihilate Saskatchewan. The MCAS is a highly prestigious group whose purpose is to annihilate Saskatchewan. The MCAS has suffered difficulty over the years, getting disbanded 15 times from 1901 to when Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ took control of it.

It was this group that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ now found themselves in control of. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ were at first determined to annihilate Saskatchewan, for two reasons. The first reason is that once they got into the big businesses, it became their rules to either kill or kill the cat of anyone they previously knew. Since almost everyone they knew was in Saskatchewan, they figured it would be easier just to annihilate Saskatchewan. Actually, there isn't any second reason. So during 1989, the MCAS suffered through hard times. In December 1989, times got so rough that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ had no choice but to disband the MCAS.

However, in 2005, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ restarted the MCAS again, this time with the help of the Moose. These Moose were Cap't'lists by heritage, origin, and gumballs. Stupid Cap't'lists. (Third and final rant and rave about Communism.) But then, due to the work of Jacob and Benjy, the MCAS was disbanded. The Moose were left unemployed, so they decided to greatly invest in Cap't'lism, revitalizing their economy, and in the end, joining a war called the T.W.O.W. When Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ were ready to restart the MCAS again, the Cap't'lists refused their offer to work for the MCAS again, so Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ asked for the Walrus to join them. The Walrus accepted. So the MCAS was restarted again, stronger than ever. On October 5th, Jacob and Benjy tried to get the MCAS disbanded again, but they failed. The MCAS is still going on.

List of characters appearing in Foghorn since September 1st, and before October 4th, in order of appearance:

34: Wak the Yak - the official spokesman for the Communists.
35: Smak the Yak - the official spokesman for the Communists after Wak the Yak died.
36: Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu - Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu's cousin and former druggie.
37: Fortnight Plock - one of the fools used for the fool fight.
38: Griphems Flemm - another of the fools.
39-47: Jaja Bebe, Max Sofa, Beige Callsworthy, Osprey Jack, Fip Nørshåd, Smith Schärgzdenwærfer, Austrian Marks, and Capuccino Prax - the nine people who are now following Lemmingism
48: Queen Elizabeth XXVIII - The leader of the penguins.
49: Queen Flizabeth MMDCCC - the second-in-command of the penguins.
50: Ål Jr. - the son of Ål.
51: Mål - Ål's third cousin and former bookie.
52: Uål - Ål's underachieving personal nail clipper.
53: Fak the Yak - the leader of the peasant revolt on September 26th.
54: Slak the Yak - the famous general of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R.
55-58: Yotte, Grugular, Phebby and Orquavous: the (only) members of the small group called Phaag'oorin.

Amendments to the Zdydldedrish Constitution:

Heys all of usses Comrades. We is here to ammind usses her' Cauns'itootion, 'cauz chaaenges need themselves to be made, and we's ornerly making'em for'em, yaaa. Here be usses ammindments:

Amendment I: The Emus - Dem emus shall be here to join usses with usses Communism, yaa. (Proposed May 23)
Amendment II: The Llamas - Dem llamas shall be here to join usses with usses Communism, yaa. (Proposed May 24)
Amendment III: The Zebras - Dem zebras shall be here to join usses with usses Communism, yaa. (Proposed May 28)
Amendment IV: Battle Practice sessions - There'll be no'mo' battl' pracktiss se'ishuns, 'cauz we don' like'em, yaaa. (Proposed June 1*)
Amendment V: The Consitution** - a. Anyone who is found boarding the Consititution without permissioin from the government shall immediately be arrested and hanged like a common criminal without a trial. b. If the person who was found boarding the Constitution does this only because he was forced to, he shall only be given 10 years in prison, and the one who forced the person to board the Constitution shall immediately be hanged like a common criminal. c. If the judges feel like killing both of them, they can do so. (Proposed June 13)
Amendment VI: Snickers bars - a. Snickers Bars shall, in any place in which they are sold, be sold for a mininum of 62 cents. b. Anyone who violates this rule shall serve 25 years in prison. (Propsed June 20)
Amendment VII: Of the use of bullets in war - a. Anyone found guilty of wasting bullets in a battle shall immediately be given the chair. The chair shall be no less than 3 feet wide and 4 feet high. b. If an officer is found doing this, he/she shall only be sent to the showers and made to sign 45,000 autographs. (Proposed September 1)
Amendment VIII: Wandering off in search of a good pub - a. Any officer found wandering off in search of a good pub shall immediately be yelled at and demoted 0.75^8 ranks. b. If he/she does this for any reason related to Mad Libs, he/she will be excused. (Proposed September 15)
Amendment IX: Of the standard procedure to deal with mass revolts from dudes - a. All those dudes revolting, are to be classified as Type C Dangerous Subtances. b. They shall further be stamped with little sticky notes that say "FRAGILE" and "THIS SIDE UP" and "BIODEGRADABLE THINGS ARE PLAIN OUT COOL". c. If those dudes revolting complain about this being done to them, they shall be upgraded to Type D Dangerous Substances.

*After the incident with Ziggy the Zebra, both the Communists and Cap't'lists agreed that battle practice sessions were a bad idea. The Cap't'lists, being "above" such things as a Constitution, have no law prohibiting battle practice sessions, but they don't do any of them anyway, so it doesn't matter.
**At this point in time, the Yakkish dialect was dropped because other species with different dialects had joined. Also, the amendments started getting divided into parts.

The Zdydldedrish Constitution

Created by Jak the Yak, Mak the Yak, Quak the Yak, Sak the Yak, Hak the Yak, and Stak the Yak, on the Twentieth Day of May on the Year Two Thousand and Five, for the Purpose of Setting the Laws of the Yakkish Community and for the Benefit of Communism

Preamble: Heys all of usses Comrades. All of usses yauks. And all of usses Communists, yaaa. We is gathered us selves hee'r to poor-vide us selves with a hee'r Cauns'itootion to ensure us selves them safety of Communism. We is hee'r to look into usses footure and see us selves whot wes selves might need us selves to make for usses Cauns'itootion, yaaaaaaa.

Article I: Wes is all usses Communists, yaa. Since we is communists, then we gets totalaereeanist control oe'r the rest o'dem pe'ples and also dem pes'nts, yaaaaaaa.
Article II: We controls dem pes'nts, we gives 'em usses land, and theys takes it, like it o'naut, yaa. They can't aaur'goo dem'selves, yaaaaaaa.
Article III: If ae'naather o'dem species deciedes 'em selves that they's willing them selves to joein usses, then they joein usses if both we's and they's wants 'em to joein us.
Article IV: If dem species decided them selves that they ain't fit o'that they jus'plain don' wannabe with usses, they may leave us without usses consent, yaaaaa.
Article V: If usses deciede us selves to maek sum hee'r ammindments to hee'r Cauns'itootion, then wes can do us selves it, yaa, as long as more'n'two o'threei o'us agrees, yaaaaa.
Article VI: This'er Cauns'itootion will be raut'fied on May 20, 2005. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Postamble: So here is usses Cauns'itootion, yaaaaaaa. We think we have done a very good job. Anyone who doesn't will be themselves buried alive tomorrow, yaaaaaaa.

The Inside Scoop on the Drug Smugglers #6: Throwing the police off our trail

Life goes on at the Smugglish Team as usual except for one thing: Interpol has gotten onto our trail. As you know if you have read the introduction on Foghorn, we created Foghorn to throw off Interpol. But for some reason, Foghorn hasn't been enough. Maybe we need to write more articles. But anyway, we have invented several ways to get the police off our trail. This is difficult, because we have over sixty different trails leading to our hideout from major cities all over the world. In fact, since the beginning of Foghorn, 276 Interpol policeman have found us, 15 in May, 46 in June, 74 in July, 84 in August, and 57 in September. Of these 276, we have got them all to keep quiet by incorporating 37 into the Smugglish Team, convincing 23 that we are actually smuggling drug for the good of humanity, and bribing the remaining 216 with a total of over $4,000,000.

But we have found several ways to get the police off our trail. One is to put up a sign saying "Drug Smugglers' Cove: 3 miles", and then have a random path that leads to nowhere. Another thing we do is put up newspaper articles about sewage problems in the North Atlantic on billboards that are close to our hideout. The policemen get so completely absorbed that they forget what they were going to do in about five minutes. But the final and best thing we do is hang up signs saying in big, wide letters, "INTERNATIONAL PAINT CO. HEADQUARTERS, NEXT RIGHT". Then all the policemen get terrified and either run away or faint from dehydration. You see, almost all the Interpol policemen used to work for the International Paint Co., and when they left to work for Interpol, their former teammates got so angry that they became filled with the desire to get revenge. So the Interpol policemen have to hide from the International Paint Co. for their entire lives. Sometimes as a finishing touch, we have it say in tiny letters at the bottom, "We work for you". We hope that with these new methods, less than 25 policemen will discover us by the end of October.

THE ABRIDGED VERSION OF THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF JAJA BEBE, PART IV: THE FOURTH PART (1945-1960)

With the war over, I returned home, delighted with my new drug smuggling team. Now in the Smugglish Team, there were over 200 people, including Norse Callsworthy, Hicks Sofa, Peregrin Jack, and, of course, my good friend Angus. Of course, some people in the Smugglish Team were less trustworthy, such as Ploorg Farshnuur, my arch-rival during the late 40's. So I decided to establish a set of rules. These rules included:

1. 25 push-ups for disobeying an order
2. 45 push-ups for not disobeying an order
3. 30 sit-ups for suggesting what kind of necktie I could wear
4. Being locked in the hole for 3 days for saying that it's a cold day outside when it was more than 55 degrees
5. Giving up a baby tooth for not saying "I'm hungry" after you finished a meal.

These rules got almost everyone to obey, but not Ploorg Farshuur, my arch-rival. Ploorg, or "Plo'oorg" as I liked to call him, had an idea of overthrowing me. As the years passed, he became a steadily worse problem. In 1952, I decided to go to a last resort - the Galapigos Islands. There, I spent almost almost a year, languishing in the cold, stormy beaches, having a wonderfully miserable time, until in early 1953, I decided I would face the heat and sun of the real world. When I returned, I saw that Ploorg had completely taken over the Smugglish Team. Worse, he insisted on recording everything the drug smugglers did, and his stubbornness and his many spelling errors reaked through the air. In desperation, I challenged Ploorg to a duel.

The rules for the duel were simple. The duel was to be held on May 24, 1953, on a pile of junk five feet wide and 23 inches tall, in Cambridge, England, and it was to be called "the Cool Duel". Ploorg and I would face each other, turn our backs, take three steps, face each other again, take three steps toward each other, and begin telling each other about our life's story, our secret ambitions, and our least favorite volleyball team. Me and Ploorg soon were engaged in a very philosophical and insightful monologue about our life's story, our secret ambitions, and our least favorite volleyball team, and soon we got so into it, that we started talking about our parents as well. We forgot about the actual duel, but it doesn't really matter, because Ploorg got so into monologuing that he left the Smugglish team and made boring speeches for the rest of his life. With Ploorg gone, I became the leader of the Smugglish Team once again.

Meanwhile, the Smugglish Team was going wonderfully. The Smugglish Team had become trinational, with connections in England and France. In 1955, Germany joined, followed by Spain in 1957. And some of the drug smugglers were starting to have kids. Norse Callsworthy had Beige Callsworthy in 1951, Hicks sofa had Stark Sofa in 1953, and Peregrin Jack had Arms Jack in 1954. In 1956, a person named Dip Nørshåd asked to join the drug smugglers. He already had a four-year-old son named Eip Nørshåd. He joined as the official safe-cracker. And in 1958, Kieth Schärgzdenwærfer, the father of Smith Schärgzdenwærfer, joined as the official kieth.

However, in 1960, an event happened that changed my whole life. It was a dark and stormy night, and it was raining hard, so I decided to back to my house and maybe have a few joints. But then, when I was walking down the street, a herd of yaks chased me. These yaks were extraverts, meaning that they had less than fifty-seven eyes. The yaks cornered me in a dark alleyway, and then mugged me. Then they held me for ransom for 50 million dollars. I angrily paid that amount myself, muttering about how I was down to $59,950,000,000. So I decided that for the rest of my life, I would write about how yaks are all communists. Foghorn is just one of my current ways of doing that. Another is going down to a random street in Boston and signing. So when I decided to fulfill this great ambition, I realized that I would need a lot of time - so much time that I would have to give up drug smuggling. I hurriedly resigning, explaining my plight, amid groans and shrieks of delight.

The Inside Scoop on the Drug Smugglers #5: How we've when doing for the past two weeks

It's been over two weeks since or successful capture of the mayor's walrus, but we (the drug smugglers) are still celebrating. Because of this great crime we've committed, our reward has been raised from $300,000,000 to $650,000,000. We are surprised by this, as we had only expected it to go up to $500,000,000. The mayor's walrus has been a wonderful addition to the Smugglish team, and he had already doing work for us. We had named him Winkles, which is an acronym for Wannabe Igloo-Narcissticator Kayaking Left-wing Elbonians to Saas-khatch-eehe-wahan.

Excerpt from the Daily Lemming - Book I: Lemmings - Chapter One: Lemming Hypothesis Proved

Lemmings own thou. It ist a fact. We owneth thou. We also owneth thy cat. We art the A.S.S., and we ownest all of thy body and exterior organs. We arest supreme over all species, except glaciers, but then again, who carest about glaciers? My friend doest, but not my cat. But I ownest my cat, as well as thy cat, even if thou doest not have a cat. But we still ownest all the cats in the world, or at least all the cats in downtown Chicago. And most imporantly, we ownest thou.

And we owenest more than thou. We own thy family, thy armchairs, and thy convertible igloos. We own everything. We own everything that the word "you" would apply for. We own the century, the farsighted, the nosecaps, the southern Alps, and, most imporantly, disposable dishwashers. We hast no legal contract that sayeth all our possessions, because no soul bothereth to do our duty, even with our threats of disowning them. It ist probably also because no one really believes that we arest the A.S.S. Most people in this world insist on hearing proof of something before they believe it. However, we hast proof. We hast proved the Lemming Hypothesis...?

This ist due to the work of Sål, the great Lemming Mathematician. The Lemming Hypothesis hast been unproven for nearly a century, but then Sål succeeded. He did nost succeedeth from luck, but pure hard effort, working for a grand total of 7 minutes and 34 seconds. He sacrificed spending his 7.5 minutes doing something pointless, and instead surged through the world to accomplish his goal. Here be the Lemming Hypothesis:

1. Take the Lemon Hypothesis, proved by Bål, which says that Lemmings = We own you.
2. Take the fact that we are nothing, which means that we = 0.
3. Since we = 0, we can remove the "we".
4. This leaves us with Lemmings = own you, which means that Lemmings own you.
5. Multiply both sides by 347 + 147i a few times, so it will look like you did more work than you actually did.
6. Sell the Lemming Hypothesis so some institution for an unreasonable price. If they do not accept, write an autobiography about yourself telling about how no one accepted your theories, and how you suffered a tragic life.

O! ist thy Lemming Hypothesis as great as thy cat, or even ast thy detoriorating electric calendars that lie in some forgotten dungeon? O, this will go down in history, until some left-handed fanatic finds all the history books that mention the Lemming Hypothesis and tears the pages about the Lemming Hypothesis out.

(At this point, Sål began to feel the effects of the drinks which he had drunk on the tour. The next few paragraphs were completely irrelevant, mostly telling about his secret love-life with Hnorsgh. Therefore, we wilst stop us selves here.)

Foghorn Posts Lengths (by Length of Article)

Rank: Words: Article Number
1: 692: 31
2: 513: 30
3: 499: 39
4: 469: 37
5: 466: 28
6: 423: 35
7: 406: 34
8: 386: 29
9: 349: 27
10: 348: 33
11: 321: 17
12: 321: 4
13 & 14: 314: 9 & 22
15: 311: 19
16: 304: 24
17: 300: 18
18: 296: 21
19: 293: 16
20: 286: 32
21: 279: 36
22: 266: 38
23: 254: 15
24 & 25: 248: 6 & 13
26: 245: 23
27: 243: 25
28: 239: 3
29: 216: 26
30: 215: 7
31: 214: 20
32: 213: 11
33: 177: 12
34: 169: 14
35: 161: 5
36: 146: 8
37: 135: 10
38: 82: 2
39: 72: 1

Foghorn Posts Lengths (by Chronological Order)

Note: We (the drug smugglers) are sorry for not posting for 11 days. We have become so enthralled with Foghorn that we sort of forget about Foghorn (Miscellaneous). Sorry. We will add posts on a more regular basis.

Post Number: Words
1: 72
2: 82
3: 239
4: 320
5: 161
6: 248
7: 215
8: 146
9: 314
10: 135
11: 213
12: 177
13: 248
14: 169
15: 254
16: 293
17: 321
18: 300
19: 311
20: 214
21: 296
22: 314
23: 245
24: 304
25: 243
26: 216
27: 349
28: 466
29: 386
30: 513
31: 692
32: 286
33: 348
34: 406
35: 423
36: 279
37: 469
38: 266
39: 499

The Inside Scoop on the Drug Smugglers #4: How we stole the mayor's walrus

I (one of the drug smugglers) am quite delighted to say that our plan to steal the mayor's walrus went quite successfully. At Maximus Hotel, where the mayor was staying for the night. At six o'clock, we casually bashed down the mayor's hotel room, and demanded the mayor's walrus with guns pointed at the mayor's face. Unfortunately, the mayor was having a party with eight other people, six of them members of Congress, the Supreme Court, or the Professional Plant-Watering Association. So we decided to change tactics. We asked if we could please have the mayor's walrus, but he still refused. Then we asked if we could buy the mayor's walrus, but he said no. Then we asked if we could buy the mayor's walrus for one day for $5,000, but he said his price was $6,000. Eventually, we had to pay $10,000 to get out safely. Later that night, we snuck in and stole the mayor's walrus. The walrus did not make any noise, because he knew the urgency of the situation, and he hated the mayor very much, and he wanted to be rid of him. It should also be noted the Austrian Marks joined the drug smugglers as Professional Digeridoo Player, and Capuccino Prax joined us as Professional Shield.

THE ABRIDGED VERSION OF THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF JAJA BEBE, PART III: HOW THEY ALL BEGAN (1934-1945)

With the end of Prohibition, I decided that I would end my alchohol smuggling days. It's over, right? I thought. But I didn't realize that it wasn't over until it was over yet. First let me tell you about the next couple of years. For the next couple of years, I committed very few crimes, enough for the police not to arrest me, because they didn't take me too seriously. Occasionally, the president of some major company would be found dead in his office, and the FBI would find my fingerprints next to the crime scene, and when a neighbor came by my house, he or she would notice that one of my finest swords had blood on it, but the police were willing to put it off as a big coincidence, because at the time, I was the main part of a popular 30-minute show that was occasionally shown at the theaters. It was called The Freak Show.

The Freak Show was a show about a group of five freaks, named Wocker, Zocker, Bloge, Farksmith, and Ed (I played Ed), and their freakish adventures. The plot revolved mostly around the Freaks' desires to dunk their heads in lemon juice, and their battles with the CIA to do this. Occasionally they would try to get Frickenstein, the only sensible person in town, to sell them used pincushions for ten cents. Sometimes the Freaks would get into arguments about which mouse racing team is better, but Svorkan, the local policeman would usually resolve the issue by threating to paint fake moustaches on them. The first episode of The Freak Show was recorded in 1934. Throughout the years of 1934-1939, no less than 107 episodes of the Freak Show were recorded, and six of them were actually shown at theaters. Everyone was very reluctant to have the Freak Show shown at theaters, but occasionally we paid them so much money that they gave in. In 1940 a full-length movie called The Freak Show opened in theaters. This movie was just like a two-hour version of one Freak Show episode. (Actually, it we just combined four The Freak Show episodes together, but don't tell anybody.) I died when I saw the review that The Freak Show got in the newspaper.

In the late 1930's, I started yearning for my old smuggling days. I remember the day I first realized this. It was on a hot winter's night, and I was sitting alone next to the ice cube for coldness, playing Monopoly with my pet hyrax, when I suddenly realized, that when one has experienced the world of smuggling, and knows what it is like, then one can never truly go back. I realized that there are a lot of drugs besides alchohol that are illegal: maybe we could smuggle some marijuana, with a bit of heroin, and maybe some cocaine for variety. I decided to reinstate the Smugglish Team. When I found the former members of the Smugglish Team, I was disappointed. Most of them had turned over a new leaf and gone to the bright side. Some said that they had been caught and had to spend a few years in jail, and that they didn't want to do any more time. Most said that they had spent years in an insane asylum, and they were tired of the straight jacket. Only about 20 people, including Norse Callsworthy and Hicks Sofa (Max Sofa's grandfather) remained loyal. It looked like I would have to start from scratch, and that's what I was planning to do. But then an unexpected event caused many people to join me.

In 1941, The US entered World War II, and due to a shortage to people in the army, they started making people join, or drafting them. I was one of those unfortuante people. I somehow got drafted, even though I was forty by now and too old to fight. (Actually, the secret police raided my house one night and kidnapped me in my sleep, and the next thing I knew, I was in a plane flying to Germany, but don't tell anyone that I told you about this, because the army pays me $5,000 dollars a week not to tell anyone.) So anyway, I entered the war, and unsurprisingly, I was given the lowest rank possible, which was 12th-class Waterboy. I was immediately excited, for I knew that I had a wonderful chance to wreak havoc. I made friends with the other 12th-class Waterboys, and found out that almost all of them had a criminal record and had been drafted just so they wouldn't cause trouble, or were mentally unstable and had been given the lowest rank possible so they wouldn't be too much of a hindrance. I organized a revolt, spurring all the Waterboys on by tales of how the generals got fed every day. I said that we were "rebelling against the man", although I did not specify who the man was, and I am still not sure.

The revolt took three years to plan, although I am not sure why it took so long. It was probably because everyone was so busy making jokes about my hat that they forgot to work. During the war, I died in 1942 and 1944. I was the leader of the revolt, and Peregrin Jack, Osprey Jack's grandfather, was the second-in-command. So in 1944, we at last put our revolt into action. I went up to Wark Smartz, the leader of the Waterboys, which was the lowest rank besides the Waterboys, and told him that we were going to revolt. Wark Smartz, who didn't take me seriously, asked me what we were going to revolt about. I told him that I hadn't thought of that. I decided to make up things on the spot, such as more expensive shoes, longer working hours, toothpaste tubes for birthday presents, and so on and so on. Wark Smartz crushed our revolt. After all, it was but his duty. But he did give us all the things I asked for, since they weren't unreasonable, so the revolt was a minor success. After the war, most of the Waterboys became drug smugglers working for the Smugglish Team.

THE ABRIGDED VERSION OF THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF JAJA BEBE, PART II: HOW IT ALL BEGAN* (1920-1933)

When the 18th Amendment was put into effect in 1920, starting Prohibition, there was great commontion among the commoners and uncommoners of the US. Many screamed, other held their mouths wide open in shock until they passed out from forgetting to breathe. I myself died from the shock. Some were convinced that either the world was about to end, or that it was about to begin. Some finished their wills, finally making a decision on if the majority of their wealth should go to the children of their first ten wives, or their second ten, which they had been putting off since before they were born. But almost immediately people decided to make their own whiskey and ale. For most people, the 18th Amendment caused them to break the law, but it caused me to break the law in a more "productive" way. I became an alcohol smuggler.

My first attempt to smuggle drugs was on March 4, 1920, and I did it alone, except for my pet hyrax, which entertained me during the mission. It went extremely well for my first time, and if had screwed up, or even gone only moderately well, I might not be a drug smuggler today, and then I would not be a raving fanatic either. Here's how it went: I drove to Canada, getting 37 speeding tickets as I went, and then purchased ten bottles of Southampton's Ale. Then I returned to the U.S. There was no one checking your baggage back then, so I was confident I would have made it. Unfortunately, I was still somehow caught by a policeman. I bribed the policeman into not turning me in, promising I would return the bottles. I managed to drink a few sips of beer before I returned the bottles, though. As you can see, my first ploy went extremlely "well", and it would only get "better" in the future.

Excited by my success, I decided to seek out a team of alcohol smugglers that I could join. Quite soon (after just over a year, in 1921), I found it: a team of about 100 people called "Smugglegogs Anonymous". I asked them if I could join, but they said that I was too unstable and unpredicable to join, and besides, I would only be a hindrance to them. Eventually I pestered them until they let me join, but they still game me the lowest rank possible (professional footwarmer). But slowly, I made it up through the ranks, by a combination of bribery, threatening, and making up stories of how I killed eight wild boars in one day, and by 1924, I was the second-in-command of Smugglegogs Anonymous. The leader, Smark Wartz, hated and despised me, but just before he fired me, he realized that the majority of the members of Smugglegogs Anonymous were completely loony, and left immediately so that he could escape with his sanity. Then I became the new leader. The first thing I did was fire the few people that seemed halfway sensible, and made a new motto, "ick vartpah karrzz" which shows that our team does not mean anything, just like the motto. Last, I changed our name to "the Smugglish team".

In 1925, a man wearing ragged toothpaste tubes and with a fake moustache and beard asked to join us, and immediately I knew he was special. For one thing, he was at least as crazy as me. For another thing, he was mysterious. He said that his name was Angus, and he would give no last name or any information about himself. I immediately let him join, and he became my left-hand man (I already had a right-hand man, who was Norse Callsworthy, the father of Beige Callsworthy). As the years went by, I only found one thing about him, which was that he worked in a used bookstore store north of Elsewhere, the next Great City, where they sold used bookstores. He never told me how old he was, though I guessed that he must be in his seventies. He still works for the Smugglish Team, and he still looks the same age.

As the years went by, the Smugglish Team grew, expanding to 200 people. In 1933, when Prohibition was repealed, I declared the the Smugglish Team had achieved its purpose, and I was disbanded for "confidential reasons". Now that I could have whiskey legally, I went back to my usual routine of drinking 800 bottles a day.

*Wait a minute, there's no reason for me to add a footnote here. Bye.

The Inside Scoop on the Drug Smugglers #3: New Recruitments for the Smugglish Team

Life continues for the Drug Smugglers as usual. Our plan to steal the mayor's walrus will be put into effect in just one week, and we are almost finished with the preparations. The most important recent event for the drug smugglers is two new people who wish to join us (the drug smugglers). Their names are Austrian Marks (age 83) and Capuccino Prax (age 24). Both claim that they can revolutionize our drug smuggling team if they join us, but we are hesitant to let them join. Austrian Marks cannot do anything useful for us, except fly. He demonstrated how he could steal 14,000 tons of heroin from England, and then fly all the way to our headquarters, with no danger of being caught by the police. We, the drug smugglers, are skeptical. Beige Callsworthy noted that he could do the exact same thing, although it would be about 1,340 times harder. Capuccino Prax, on the other hand, can do nothing except make fine coffee for all of us. But since we only consume 17,000 tons of coffee each day, there is not much purpose in allowing him in. Capuccino Prax can also turn us all into the police, but we don't care about that. After all, once we are the police, it will only make it easier for us to get away with our crimes.

Timeline of e-Vents on Foghorn:

Ñøtë: Because we (the drug smugglers) are too lazy, this timeline does not include all of the events in Foghorn, but only the most important from a historical point of view. If you want a complete timeline, go to Foghorn and make one yourself, and we will cut and paste it to replace this article.

May 15: Jacob and Benjy took to the streets and half the population of hot dog vendors promptly perished from dehydration, forcing the Janitor Labor Union of America to take decisive action when they released a revision to Code 13A. The revision, which is now being known, simply, as the JamBlam includes a minimum wage for hot dog vendors and an end to the usage of park benches as bar stools.
May 17: Jacob and Benjy led a student protest about the MCAS, or Montreal Cohilition to Annihilate Saskatchewan, angering Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ, the leaders of the MCAS.
May 20: The yaks adopt communism as their official government, religion, language, ethnicity and knees.
May 23: the emus join the yaks, followed later that day by the llamas.
May 25: Jacob and Benjy arrest Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ, and thus the MCAS was disbanded for the seventeenth time. The Communists and the Cap't'list Moose declare war on each other. The Lemmings become allies with the Moose.
May 28: The Zebras join the Communists and become the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R.
May 31: The Zyggi the Zebra gets injured by Smorgsborg and become thirsty for revenge. I'm not sure why some lemonade wouldn't do the trick.
June 3: The Musk Oxen capture Jacob and Benjy. Kåp’pål’ønç, the leader of the Musk Oxen, falls asleep. Jacob and Benjy refuse to surrender.
June 6: The Zebus free Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ from jail. Jacob, Benjy, Jåçøb, and Bêñjÿ start their five-round checkers match. The Zebus join the Cap't'lists. The Communists announce their summer plans.
June 7: The Musk Oxen join the Cap't'lists.
June 10: Jacob and Benjy win the checkers tournament.
June 15: Jacob and Benjy fall into a coma. The Lemmings decide to remain neutral. The Elephants join the Cap't'lists.
June 17: The Lemming Hypothesis is proved.
June 19: Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ and the Lemmings announce their summer plans.
June 24: The Communists and Cap't'lists leave for their cruises.

THE ABRIDGED VERSION OF THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF JAJA BEBE, PART I: HIS CHILDHOOD (1901-1919)

If some divine power influenced my creation, it was surely by accident. I was born without anyone asking me if I want to be born, during a plane ride* on May 18, 1901, into a middle-class family in San Francisco. My father, Harlem Bebe (1834-1934) was a severe drug addict and alchoholic, thus proving to be an excellent role model. My mother, Johnny Bebe (1884-1984) was a concert didgeridoo player at Losers' hall, and she spent so much time practicing that I didn't get to see her very much. When I saw her, she would usually hand me a vial of arsenic and tell me to go use it on someone. From her, I got the idea that rules did not matter very much. Nevertheless, until about 1915, most people called me "innocent" meaning that I did a lot of bad stuff, but somehow managed to frame on any one of my 23 siblings.

In 1906, the San Francisco Earthquake Struck, and my family had to get a new house, even though our old house was not touched, and none of the family was touched, except me, who died. This was the second time I died. (I died when I was three, but that's a long story. But let me summarize it. I was coming home from work one day. I took off my tie, my knickers, brushed my hair, combed my teeth, and then went to my bed. My bed was, at the time, in the oven, but my cousin Hank Bebe, who was staying over at my house, didn't know that, and he baked a nice cheese souffle. I never forgave him.) We decided to move to New York City, but we only got to live in the outskirts. In the following years, I died twice, in 1908 and 1910, of hunger, and getting eaten by a carnivorous igloo. In 1912 my family boarded the Titanic, and it sunk. The rest of the family escaped, except me, who died. This was the fifth time I died. After that, it sort of fell into a pattern of me dying every two years. In 1914, I became a Yankees fan. I died when the Red Sox won the World Series in 1914, 1916, and 1918, but when they won in 1915, I was only paralyzed below the feet. I died again when the Red Sox won in 2004.

Despite my parents' extremely high-paying jobs, we were still very poor, so I decided to get a job at the feautures. Of course, this was in the mid-to-late-1910's, so the few movies that were made were, as a rule, not very good by modern standards. I only got to be in two movies, called "Trashtalking Around Town" and "Trashing the Town", and I played the comedy relief in both movies. Everyone liked me in the movies ("it's amazing; whatever he does, he does so silly, even if he doesn't mean to"), and I got relatively high-payed. During this time period, I began to change. Before, I tried to frame other people for my actions, as you can remember. But now, I didn't try to frame any more people, and instead moved to a new tactic, which was to avoid getting caught. This usually involved hiding in the middle of a big forest for several months until the police forgot about the whole thing. I usually still got caught.

However, when I turned eighteen, things changed. I could be fully charged with criminal charges now, so I had to be extra cafeful not to be caught. I have calculated that I could have been charged with up to nine thousand years in prison for all the crimes I committed before 1920. I still usually got caught, so I had to usually bribe the policemen to let me go free. One policeman however, refused to be bribed, and I was arrested. Fortunately, the police didn't take me seriously, and they put me in a minimum-security prison. In a few days, my brother Larry came by and knocked down the cell walls with his fists, and I was free.

*Yes, I know that airplanes weren’t invented until 1903. You see, a plane also means a flat surface. So a plane ride is where you lie down on a plane and somehow move along the plane as if there was no friction. The streets of San Francisco are flat enough to do this.

Meet the Drug Smugglers: (7 People, 1 Smugglish Team)

Note: There are over five hundred people on the Smugglish Team, but we (the drug smugglers) have only included the seven most important people.
1. Jaja Bebe (age 104) - the Leader of the Drug Smugglers and Planner of All Operations Except the Ones that He Does Not Plan. Known for consuming over half of the drugs that we smuggle. Can be very hypocritical, and judgmental without his morning marijuana.
2. Max Sofa (age 19) - the Second in Command of the Drug Smugglers. Wants to be upgraded to Minute in Command, but Jaja Bebe still refuses to let him.
3. Beige Callsworthy (age 54) - the Critisizer of Jaja Bebe's Plans and Planner of All Operations That Jaja Bebe Does Not Plan. Is only working for the drug smugglers to get a nice condo in Florida.
4. Osprey Jack (age 37) - the official Person Who get into hard-to-reach places. Such hard-to-reach places are secret passageways, elevators, the inside of snack bars, etc.
5. Angus [last name unknown] (age unknown) - the official mystery man. Doesn't do much except make the drug smugglers mroe mysterious.
6. Fip Nørshåd (age 23) - the Safe-Cracker for the drug smugglers. Most drugs aren't kept in safes, but that doesn't stop him from doing a good job.
7. Smith Schärgzdenwærfer (age 49) the official Smith of the drug smugglers. Doesn't really do anything, but he makes interesting things out of metal, so we keep him.

The Inside Scoop on the Drug Smugglers #2: Our Latest Drug Dealings

As told to you in the Inside Scoop on the Drug Smugglers #1, we (the drug smugglers) have recently smuggled over 175,000 tons of drugs, which include cocaine, heroin, ecstacy, "special K", Vitamin K, and penicillin. We are distributing them to 34 countries, including Belgium, China, Portugal, Ellsworthy, Massachusetts, and Austin, for a ridiculously high price. Because the price is so high, most countries don't want to buy our drugs (escpecially since we ask the government), but a few death threats will usually persuade them. Our drug business is doing "extremely" well. We have not captured the mayor's walrus yet, but we have already acquired enough cheese to do so. The mayor's walurs is getting fatter by the day, and we hope that he will be at least 5,400 pounds by the date in which we enact our heinous crime. (Which is August 31st.)

The Guide to the Various Dialects of the Different Species of Foghorn:

When communicating with different species, it can become extremely uncomfortable due to different dialects, and often results in boring conversations about whose lawn is more gray. Therefore, we (the drug smugglers) have decided to create a Guide to the Various Dialects of the Different Species of Foghorn. Enjoy!

1. Yaks: Be "husky". Say "heys all of usses Comrades" as often as possible. Do things like pronounce more as "moorr" and learn as "larn" and future as "footure". Say "yaa" and "yaaaaaaa" every so often.
2. Emus: Talk like "a Scotsman on hydrochloric acid" as the emu-haters say. Say yaks as "yauks", might as "mieght" just as "jes' " think as "thaenk" and so on.
3. Llamas: The llamas are not in general very educated ("we's nots wantinges us an educatin' ") so don't talk with good grammar. Pluralize words every so often.
4. Zebras: Be "hip". Say "like dude" as often as possible, and talk about "the nat'ral flow o'things" every so often, and how things don't go along with it. In uncomfortable situations, mention going to get a few joints.
5. the Moose: Talk like Elmer Fudd. If you're talking with war-mooses (mooses that are in to fighting like Smorgasborg) talk like "ya' han' go' no tee'h".
6. Musk Oxen: Add a "boom boom" every so often. Make sure to occasionally fall asleep during conversations.
7. Zebus: Zebus don't talk at all, because they feel it is immoral. Nothing here. Sorry.
8. Elephants: Say random words, usally ending in "oop". The elephants won't be able to understand you, but they don't understand themselves, so don't worry.
9. Talk like an Englishman during the 14th century, saying "thou" and "thy" and adding "est" and "eth" to random words. Also talk about "ye ale and bread".
10. The Walrus: When there is a contraction (such as I am as I'm), have the contracted part stuck on the next word (example: I'm going as I 'mgoing). Talk about "wonder 'n'excitement to all o'th'Walrus".
11. Air hogs: Replace S's and SH's with TH's.

For the best information on how to copy the other species' dialects, go to Foghorn and carefully, but not so carefully that you forget about doing things like breathing and swearing at the annoying pop-ups that always come up, observe the characters speaking. This is probably the best way to learn, but I am known to be very unreliable.

An Overview of All Characters in Foghorn as of July 28, 2005 (30 articles, 33 characters)

#1 & 2: Jacob and Benjy - The main attractions of Foghorn. Although they are nice and generous people, they are stuck on the idea that the world revolves around them. Jacob and Benjy are responsibe for the disbanding of the MCAS. The Cap't'lists kidnapped Jacob and Benjy for reasons currently unknown. Jacob and Benjy are extremly skilled at checkers and tiddlywinks. Jacob and Benjy have been in a coma since mid-June.
#3: Jak the Yak - The renowned leader of the yaks. Known for his liability to start vomiting in public.
#4: Hnorsgh - The Leader of the Moose, as well as the Cap't'lists. Don't get on the wrong side of him, or he'll breathe on you.
#5: Nüt - the leader of the emus. Can be very obnoxious if he hasn't eaten in a while, but if his stomach is satisfied, he can be a very nice emu.
#6: Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu - the leader of the llamas. A very unremarkable character, aside from the fact that he has no legs. He still refuses to believe he is legless and insists that he does have legs, you just can't see them.
#7: Zyggi the Zebra - the leader of the Zebras. Wishes his stripes were chartreuse and heliotrope. Got injured by Smorgasborg, and since that has been obsessed with getting revenge.
#8: Kåp’pål’ønç - the leader of the musk oxen and an extremely devout Cap't'list. Has been asleep since June.
#9: Ølåf - the leader of the Zebus. Believes the Zebus should have to eat noodles for every meal, or at least him.
#10 & 11: Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn - the Co-leaders of the Elephants, although the Co is only temporary. They are constantly plotting ways to poison one another.
#12 & 13: Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ - the Co-leaders of the MCAS, although once again the Co is temporary. When they got arrested, they disbanded the MCAS, but then the Zebus broke them out of jail, and they are thinking about restarting the MCAS. It is also rumored that they are trying to persuade the Walrus to work for the MCAS. They are highly skilled at checkers. It is rumored that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ are humans, although they surely don't look like humans, and they eat like a dog.
#14: Ål - The leader of the Lemmings. Before it was discovered that Lemmings own you, he had a very large superego, and now his superego is so large that it can’t fit in one room.
#15: Sveq - the leader of the Walrus. He spends most of his time in his mighty fortress, th’Høl, listening to punk rock songs and drinking vodka until he passes out.
#16: Soozie - the leader of the air hogs. Has a great sense of pride, so be careful not to offend him.
#17: Smorgasborg - the war-hardened general of the Moose and the Cap’t’lists. Responsible for Zyggi the Zebra’s numerous injuries. Smorgasborg has been holding raucous parties ever since he triumphed over Zyggi.
#18: Mak the Yak - the official Announcer of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R.
#19: Quak the Yak - the Communist revolutionary who started communism for the yaks.
#20: Zak the Yak - a famous author and historian of the yaks, who is writing a book on the T.W.O.W. The book is mostly a rant and rave about how Communism is superior to Cap't'lism, but it contains some good details about the previous lives of Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ, the former lives of the yaks before Communism, and where to get the Communsists' autographs.
#21: Sål - a famous mathematician of the Lemmings. Recently proved the Lemming Hypothesis.
#22: Yål - the second cousin of Sål and the representative of the Lemmings. Went traveling aroun the world to preach to everyone about how Lemmings own you.
#23: Wål - a famous author of the Lemmings, who is currently writing the Daily Lemming, the sacred book of Lemmingism.
#24: Bveq - son of Sveq.
#25: Ølgå - the second-in-command of the Zebus.
#26: Mojo - Zyggi's father, and the Chairman of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. He's called the Chairman becasue he likes eating chairs.
#27: Plraegoialraorl - the Moose Ambassador to the U.S.A. Was killed in the bombing of the World (see "the World Blows Up" in Foghorn).
#28-30: Vovovovov, Pochjoch and Ieej - casualties of the World blowing up.
#31: Slraegoialraorl: the son of Plraegoialraorl.
#32: Hwawewawieoghwoaplu: the sectretary of the Communists.
#33: Breep-Creep: Benjy's friend.

The inside Scoop on the Drug Smugglers #1: What We've been Doing Over the Summer

The drug smugglers have decided to temporarily dislose Foghorn over the summer. We the drug smugglers have thrown the police off our course so well that they are currently looking for us in their own backyards, and we felt safe disclosing it. Besides, we had other work to do over the summer. We have just smuggled over 175,000 tons of various illegal drugs, and we have different criminal plans over the summer. We are going to book a reservation into a 5-star hotel in London, and during our stay, we will steal the mayor of Sydney's pet walrus. Unfortunately, this will take over two months, due to our extremely slow computer. Our computer has just finished booting up after a month. It will take 3 weeks for us to get online, and another 2 weeks for us to book our reservations. Then, on August 31, we will steal the mayor's walrus. We the drug smugglers judge that after we complete this crime, our bounty will go up to $500,000,000.